i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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