I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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