Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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