Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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