i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
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Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
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Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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