there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
