I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
