My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
