I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
