I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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