you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
