I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
