Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
