so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
