My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
being pregnant is like rehab
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
