Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
