watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
