Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
