he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
