I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
