i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is Oprah even human
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
