chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
