it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
