Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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