nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
