I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
