I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
