Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
