I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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