drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
