Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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