You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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