be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
