my mouth tastes like poor choices
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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