Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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