I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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