You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
