How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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