evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
