They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
