Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
