This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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