I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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