He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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