she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
