I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
