the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
either way he was missing a nipple.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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