I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
