hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
