dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
