gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
