Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
