Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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