I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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