Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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