You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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