I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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