I cockslap morals
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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