Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
