Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
