Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
